Sticky Situations

You can only fall into so many unfortunate situations while traveling before you realize you might’ve wasted a good bit of time using your feet to walk instead of your wings to fly. Libations give you freedom, tenacity, a quick tongue, and a brilliantly sloppy two step. But most of all, libations give you wings.

Inspired by some unfortunate events that have happened to friends, acquaintances, friends of acquaintances, and myself, I figure now is as good a time as ever to remember those unfortunate sticky situations that could’ve been avoided with a few pieces of advice. And to finally make use of those glorious boozy wings.

Situation  1

A good friend got hit by a car while biking for booze in the city.  She also only ever says “hello, good night” instead of “hello, good day/afternoon/evening.” Locals may think her rude for saluting them and dismissing them in the same breath.

-Irish

Situation 2

A different friend who, for several nights, politely ignored the cat calls from a couple of beautiful transvestites sitting just two doors down from his flat as he’d stumble home alone. They were simply watching the sunrise and invited him to join. He was afraid. Drunk and afraid.

-Californian

Situation 3

A romantic friend deathly afraid of heights had ironically chosen to live on the 13th floor with a balcony overlooking the beautiful skyline of Palermo, and had considered jumping more than a few times.

-Argentine

Situation 4

A newer friend had knocked over a little old Argentine lady with his bike because she, unfortunately, failed to look both ways before crossing, and might need a new hip now because of it.

-Coloradan

Situation 5

An acquaintance almost got robbed in La Boca but avoided the pack of 8 men waiting just two blocks ahead, thanks to her use of context clues.

-Texan

Situation 6

A social friend missed out on a cold can of beer at a house gathering because all of the beer had been prematurely frozen.

-Texan

After reading a bit of Bukowski and Fitzgerald… and after having beer after beer after beer in a beer bar in Las Cañitas…and after falling into a beautiful rabbit hole of a-night-on-the-town, I found myself chin deep in courage and reflected on those unfortunate situations mentioned above. I looked for some solid advice from some of the greatest authors of all time, and here is what I found.

These words will tell the tale of trial and error. Of faith and reasoning. Of a dream deferred and a mountain top to stand on.

Advice 1

From Dorothy Parker…

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.”

Advice 2

From Hemingway…

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.”

Advice 3

From Bukowski…

“Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you’re allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It’s like killing yourself, and then you’re reborn. I guess I’ve lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.”

Advice 4

From Fitzgerald…

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”

Advice 5

From Raymond Chandler…

“From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 10 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.”

Advice 6

From Edgar Allen Poe…

“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.”

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